Creeping Loneliness
When I was younger, I would list “surfing the internet” as one of my hobbies.
It was considered a hobby because it wasn’t something everyone did mindlessly, like now. I could stay up until 2 AM on a school night, just scrolling through Wikipedia pages and simultaneously talking to a friend on MSN/Yahoo! Messenger. Sending each other emoticons before it was cool. As a part of a generation who experiences both pre-internet (even just slightly) and internet phase of the society, I was thrilled by the possibilities of the virtual world.
I made a lot of friends through the internet. Those people are some of the best people I’ve “met.” I’ve met some of them, eventually, in real life. Some days, I would prefer talking to them than my own family or school friends. Why? Because they were so much cooler.
I also feel like I could be myself on the internet. I think I’ve never project certain version of myself that is too different to my real-life self. I wrote what I wanted, I tweeted the way I would talk in real life. I was comfortable just being myself on the internet.
Multiply was amazing. It was a blogging platform, but nothing like Wordpress or Blogger. It was more like Facebook, except your profile is your blog. There were groups and you can customize your blog if you know how to work with HTML/CSS. I think that was how I got into graphic design. I used to make “themes” for Multiply. I made a lot of friends from different age groups, from my age to people in their 30s.
Then one day, one of the best “social media” shut off. I didn’t know how to export my posts to other blogging platforms, so there went my writings. I have no recollection of what sort of writings they were, but I bet they were about the novels I wrote, school, and friends. Just the simple things.
There were more social media platforms I’ve used in my life. Friendster was the bomb. It was all about glittery things, marquee text, bulletin board posts. You know, those “if you don’t repost this your mom will die!!!1!1111!!” kind of posts? Then during my junior high school, I was an avid fan of Plurk. Made some friends, too, through Plurk. It still exists today, one or two people I know are still plurking because no one goes there anymore. I, too, still sometimes log in to vent. Because no one plurks anymore. Then during junior high, I started getting to know indie bands so it was necessary to have a MySpace account. Then came Twitter.
Those were social media. How about instant messengers? I remember I was excited to have my first Blackberry and finally I could talk with my friends without having to pay for SMS, ALL DAY ALL NIGHT. When I had my Sony Ericson phone, I had to install apps like e-Buddy or MSN to chat. Like a teenager would, I overshared everything through my status. SO THAT THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW MY FEELINGS or the music I was listening to. Then in high school, LINE made its debut in Indonesia and their cute stickers stole my heart.
It is safe to say almost 80% of my interactions during my teenage years to young adult (currently) occurs through social media and instant messengers. That figure is totally normal, for teenager Alline. But it’s not normal and something I wish I could reduce, for present me. Why is that?
I think I’m lonely, and I think excessive use of the internet is the cause.
It feels weird, for someone who spends her youth on the internet to blame it for the loneliness she’s bearing. Well, but what can I say? Maybe the more accurate way to put it is, “I blame the internet for keeping me so long that now I don’t know how to socialize well in real life.” Hence my loneliness.
Maybe it’s more complex than what it seems, and what I thought it is. Geez. Maybe it has to do with my upbringing. Who knows?
For the last few days or maybe months, I’ve been feeling so lonely. I have deactivated some of my social media accounts because they don’t make me less lonely. In fact, they make me feel lonelier. Deactivating my Twitter was a tough decision. Twitter, after all, is my main source of fresh memes and things that make me laugh. Still, as time goes by, they amuse me temporarily. They don’t bring longlasting joy I am looking for. The truth is, social media doesn’t bring me the joy like it did a few years ago.
Okay, I think I’m not someone who based my worth on likes and followers count. But, I don’t mind if a lot of people like my pictures and when I don’t reach my usual count of likes I would think, “is my picture not good?”
Maybe I do, unconsciously feel dopamine rush every time 50 of my followers like the picture I just uploaded.
Another thing with social media, nowadays it’s filled with hatred, intolerance, and just things I don’t want to know. Well, I know maybe I’ve been following the wrong accounts… but honestly, I think social media amplifies the dark side of humanity. But that’s for another time.
Anyway, this morning I found my head constantly nodding to Ezra Klein’s podcast latest episode on depression. I was listening to this during my commute to work. A lot of things discussed in the episode actually make sense!
In this episode, Ezra Klein (one of the editors at Vox) and Johann Hari (whose book, Lost Connections, is being discussed in the podcast) try to answer the question that becomes the title of the podcast, “is modern society making us depressed?”
These are things that stick in my mind:
- Loneliness is the main driver of depression and anxiety.
- More people are feeling lonely. According to one research, people were asked, “how many people you can count on while you’re in a crisis?” 10 years ago, the average response was “5.” Recently, the number is reduced to “0” or none.
- Humans are social creatures, our ancestors lived in tribes. They worked together to stay alive. In present-day society, our individualistic lifestyle will surely drive us lonely.
- Do you wake up a lot in your sleep? Or, using a more scientific term, do you experience micro-wakening? The more often you do, the more lonely you are.
- US version of happiness is very self-centered. Making yourself happy, in the US, equals to spoiling yourself, making a lot of money for yourself, etc. In other countries (China, Japan, Russia), it is about collective happiness. The way to make yourself happy is by making other people happy.
- People are addicted to MMORPG because it imitated the way our ancestors lived. It makes them virtually belong to a tribe, and it gives them things they can’t get in real life like status and purpose.
- We still need face-to-face interactions to meet our deeper psychological needs.
- According to WHO, depression and other mental problems are, to a significant degree, our responses to the current social problems. If we don’t deal with these social problems, people will seek impromptu solutions, such as drugs.
- In short, our society is sick.
Okay, so here’s my thought.
Social media is only one of the cause of my loneliness, but it’s more like the tip of an iceberg.
Maybe you’ve heard how social media is making us, counter-intuitively, unsocial. Someone I know tweeted that she’s no longer updating her Instagram story because she doesn’t want to make people think they know how she’s been when in reality they only look at her stories. Social media makes you think you know someone, when in fact, you don’t!
There are always two sides of a coin. On one side, social media makes it easier for us to keep up with our friends. Now I know what my friend from kindergarten is doing, thanks to Facebook! On the other side, I think it takes out the effort of maintaining relationships. It feels like a paradox, right? Conversations are getting replaced by likes and “heart” icons.
Do you know why I named this blog Deeper Conversations? Because it’s one of my favorite Yuna’s songs. But more than that, I’ve always been craving conversations that are beyond small talks. I’ve been having a hard time throughout my life to find someone who is on the same frequency as I am, or at least willing to open themselves to me or vice versa. The last time I have that kind of conversation was last year, with someone unexpected whom I only met twice. It’s not every day that you meet someone who clicks that easily, so I’m trying hard to keep my relations with that person.
I know it was the kind of conversation I was looking for when it ended. It left me relieved and happy. It was effortless, everything came easy.
Now I make this blog to sort of have conversations with myself because it’s hard to find someone who I can talk to about these kinds of things. It helps with my loneliness, a lot. Last night I was feeling bad and lonely until this morning. I decided to write something instead of keeping it inside.
You might be asking, “don’t you have friends or family that you can talk to?”
I do have friends. I have some people in my closest circle. They are really kind people that you can hit up whenever to talk about things. But they’re now busy and I totally understand that. Everyone got things going on in their lives and so am I. Yet sometimes you just want those kinds of friends with whom you hang out with frequently, go somewhere, watch movies together. Someone for whom you’re willing to extra miles, figuratively and literally, and vice versa.
Sometimes, I think it’s all in my head. Sometimes, I think I only need my mum to survive. Some other days, I crave for deep talk sessions with anyone. Strangers are welcomed.
I find myself confusing, and maybe you do, too.
It took me years to realize nothing can ever replace face-to-face interactions. I know, people are busy and not all your friends are available for you 24/7. But I think, when you’re equally important for them, they will make time for you. Not instantly, but still, they will find a way to talk to you.
Growing up ain’t easy, I know. That’s why you need at least someone that you know you can count on. I used to think I can selfishly love someone without that person loving me back, and that’s also what I think about friendships. I was willing to think you are my friend without you thinking the same about me. I think it was okay to make an effort for someone who doesn’t even try to be friends with you because feelings are our own. Now I think that’s kind of a naive thing to say. I’m no longer in a position to waste my time and emotion for someone who doesn’t do the same. It should be reciprocal. I don’t want to be the only one who tries!
Also, when I listen to the podcast I realize maybe I’ve been chasing for the US-style of happiness. After going through some hardships a few months back, I am determined to make myself happy. So I applied for conferences, looking for master’s degree to pursue after college, think of ways to make money for myself. It was all for myself.
It’s been a really long rant. I think I’m going to stop here.
Anyway, do you know what’s worse than being lonely when you’re by yourself? It’s still feeling lonely when you’re with someone you thought won’t make you lonely. Quoting TA-KU, “who says something is better than nothing?”