Do you remember?

Do you remember that I told you what I felt about leaving Korea?

During my last days in Seoul, I felt uneasy and I wanted to go home as soon as possible. It was not because I hated Seoul or anything. In fact, I liked being there so much and the fact that I had to go home made me sad.

“I told myself, ‘let’s get it over with’. Let’s go home now.”

I said that not because I truly wanted to go home, but because I didn’t want to miss it while still being there. I was preparing to not be too sad about it before leaving. Being a nostalgic, sentimental person that I am, I knew that I would feel a little bit off after leaving.

When I asked you why I did that, you said, “it’s okay, I guess.”

Later on, I realized that story tells so much about me.

I’m afraid of being emotionally hurt (everyone’s like that too, duh). Because I feel every thing so deeply. I was preparing myself not to be sad, or to minimize the effect. I guess that is also how I act/make decisions about you.

I liked you so much, I was afraid that letting you too much further into my life would hurt me somehow. Let’s be honest, I cried too much because of you. I was always… somehow… nervous being around you.

For a million times, I was afraid that what I felt about you would ruin what we already had. So what I did was trying to end things faster. “If it’s gonna hurt later, then let’s just make it happen now.”

For countless times, I sabotaged myself and I guess to some extent, us.

Maybe also this is why, I try to be calm about everything that happens between us. Our current state. Our final state. I’ve seen it coming.

Maybe we should just be upfront about it. I feel like I wasn’t the best friend that you could have. And I have to be honest that you’ve hurt me a few times, too. We mistreated each other. We weren’t the best friend for each other, were we?

I have to be honest that sometimes I feel like I don’t trust you enough to tell you about what my dreams are. What I want to do. But don’t take it too personally, I don’t even tell my parents. But I kinda wish I could tell you that, yet I could never bring that up to you.

Maybe we’ve outgrown each other. Maybe we were slowly becoming toxic to each other. Life changes all the time. Maybe this time it changed us too.

I do have things left to ask you, but they don’t really matter anymore. But I’m gonna ask you this, anyway. Am I that bad, unworthy kind of a friend that you ended up avoiding me? Without proper explanation?

I once said to your friend that, “I like that we met outside school. Our friendship isn’t bound to any context.” Maybe I forget that also means that our friendship could end without any context. Like now.

You’ve been someone important to me. Thank you for the past years. I’m sorry that I become the best friend who let you down. I can’t be best, out of all your friends, I guess. I wish you luck in all your future endeavor.

If I ever see you on the street, I would smile and wave. Just that much. Actually, I just wish we won’t bump into each other by chance. If you ever see me on the street, just walk past me. Don’t say hi to me. I would think and replay that moment in my head for 100 times a day.

Don’t be sick, I would want to send you some food. Don’t be sad, I would want to cheer you up. Be happy, shine bright. Run as fast as you can, I know you have what it takes to make your dreams come true.

Hugs,

Me.