i wish that i knew

there was only one time that i cried without being able to pin point the reason. it was back in korea after my sister left. watching my sister dragging her luggage away, and having to come back to an empty apartment room was probably one of the times that i felt so lonely. i didn’t cry in that empty apartment, i was sick of the silence so i hurriedly packed my things up and went back to the dorm. and i cried in the dorm. until now, i don’t know why i cried.

i was crying in confusion. why did i cry? why was i sad seeing my sister left? she was not my favorite sibling and going to korea was my choice. korea should be fun!!! i had (and still don’t) no idea why did i cry. but i did cry for one to three days for sure. i didn’t even stay in korea for long, it was only 4 months. i didn’t cry when i went to perth for a month. so why i suddenly feel homesick, i had no idea. at all.

this morning, i woke up and not long after that i cried. and i don’t have any idea why. i got the explanation that i need, i fully accepted it because i respect his decision. he said i did nothing wrong, so i could dismiss my own thoughts of being a bad friend to the closest friend i’ve ever had. i even typed my reply to his explanation with confidence, casually. i said to him, i feel so relieved, i’m totally cool with it. so what? i don’t have any reason to cry, right? yet i did cry. i couldn’t catch my breath. i cried so hard that it was hard for me to breathe. i asked God to help me but i continued to cry for at least one hour until i fell asleep. then i woke up, decided to take a bath, and cried under the shower. i hugged myself hard and even slapped myself a bit to stop me from crying. “you don’t have any rights to cry. don’t cry,” i heard myself saying.

i tweeted, “어쩔 수 없어서 울어. 어쩔 수 없으니까 울어. I couldn’t help but cry. I cried because there’s nothing i can do.” that’s the closest explanation that i could give for the tears.

aku rasa, kali ini aku tidak bisa menggunakan pikiran dan logikaku untuk memahami diriku sendiri. meski aku punya berbagai alasan untuk tidak menangis, pada akhirnya air mata akan menemukan jalannya sendiri melalui celah-celah tembok yang kubangun dari alasan rasional dan logikaku.